I’m always hungry. Fairly certain I have a tapeworm.

I mean, really, what else could it be?

More distressing than having a tapeworm is that none of the so-called “professionals” in my life (gynecologist, dental hygienist, hairdresser, check-out guy at the grocery store) believe me.

Nor do they seem to care.

But a tapeworm! C’mon!!

Armed with only my logic and my mad google skillz, I started doing some research. The Mayo Clinic seemed like a good, scholarly first stop, even though I don’t eat a lot of mayonnaise. It was looking pretty good until they said if one had a tapeworm, one might also notice “segments of the adult tapeworm (proglottids) in one’s stool.”

Not on MY watch, buddy. My leather ottoman is as proglottid-free as the day I bought it. But I did notice a blob of orange marmalade that I wiped off.

So I added the Mayo Clinic to the list of professionals who mock me.

MyElectronicMD seemed a promising site until they said, “The Dwarf tapeworm is spread directly from an infected person to another person.” Appalling! Don’t they know the politically correct phrase is “Little Person tapeworm”? But really, Little People are not that little, so the reliability of this site is highly questionable.

Clearly, I’ll have to travel out of the country to seek relief, much like elderly Minnesotans who are forced to sneak into Canada for their heart medicine. Luckily, they can barter for it using their abundant and cheap Viagra.

My mad google skillz proved once again invaluable when I located a translation site. I typed in “I think I have a tapeworm” and was immediately rewarded by several nations who not only didn’t mock me, but also told me how to approach Doctors Without Internet Borders.

Croatian: Mislim da imam trakavice
Dutch: Ik denk dat ik een lintworm
French: Je crois que j’ai un ténia
Italian: Credo di avere una tenia
Norwegian: Jeg tror jeg har en Bendelormer
Portuguese: Penso ter uma ténia

First stop … German Google to try my mad google skillz, I mean, my nahrung google fertigkeiten.

Herr Doctor ….. Ich glaube, ich habe eine Bandwurm.

Do YOU think I have a tapeworm? And don’t you think it ROCKS that it’s called a “Bandwurm” in German??

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