I’m not really one for New Years Resolutions, but I think I’ve come up with some I can live with for 2009 that won’t cause a global yawn.
• I’ll remove Decembruary 33 – 36 from my calendar. But I’ll keep the 32nd. I need that day to write my resolutions and finish eating the fudge.
• I’ll try at least 85% of the time (because goals need to be quantified) to put the frizz control on my hair and the moisturizer on my face instead to the other way around this year.
• I’ll refrain from yelling, “Where the bejeebers is my newspaper!!” until AFTER I put on my glasses. I’ve been told it scares the neighbors. Or maybe I’ll just put on a robe.
• I will only wear free-flowing garments so as not to ruin my self-esteem.
• I promise to stimulate the economy each day by unbridled avarice, possibly cultivating a heretofore unknown devotion to banjos and banjo accessories.
• I will indulge my creepy — potentially unhealthy — obsession with Billie Joe Armstrong and Green Day by tattooing their playlist on the entire length of my left leg. Then, whenever I play one of their songs, I’ll email a close-up photo of it to the fan club.
• I promise to weep tears of joy for my fellow writers who get called up to The Game rather than secretly hoping they forget how to sign their names at booksignings. But as I write that, it seems not-quite-doable, so maybe I’ll amend this one to promising to attend every booksigning by my fellow writers but I’ll jump up and yell random names as they’re trying to sign. Yeah. That I can do. As a bonus, it will double as my aerobic workout.
• And, finally, I will take charge of my health. I’ll ask my doctor if Levitra is right for me.
What are your resolutions?