George Twitters

My kids are all home at the same time so I’m taking the opportunity to step out of BeckyLand for awhile and play with them. But while I’m staycationing, I thought I’d also take the opportunity to share another of my very funny writer friends with you.

I was going to introduce George, but he does it so much better than I could. I’m stepping away now, and closing the door ever-so-gently to give you some privacy.

Hi, I’m George Waters.

George

I’m what they call an “award winning” humor writer. I write a weekly humor column for newspapers, as well as funny freelance essays for other publications and Web sites. I live in Southern California in a flat, baking valley named for San Gabriel who, by all appearances at least, was a saint. I have a wife, a school-age daughter and son, and a rat terrier (rhymes with “rat Perrier”) named Skipper. He is not named Skipper due to any nautical expertise (although he knows his way around a jib), but rather because when he walks at high speed his hind legs actually skip like a happy, recently-promoted middle manager.

I invite you to visit my full-on column-oriented Web site. I built the whole site myself using my mad html skills, some Javascript and an adze. Even if for no other reason, you will want to visit the site because it has a page where you can give me back the hair I had in high school. Do it now, it’s not like you’re getting any work done anyway.

Famous Twitters Down Thru History by George Waters

Even if you do not own a computer, you have surely heard of “Twitter” by now, a program which allows you to type an instant, live message to people you used to just pick up the phone and talk to.

Twitter suggests that your messages, which are limited to 140 characters out of sadism, should answer the question, “What are you doing right now?” It is a shame that Twitter did not exist in centuries past. Come imagine with me the “tweets” which might have resulted:

Shakespeare: Anne, wilt be home near 7. I burneth my personal records and misspelleth my name on sonnets. This shall driveth historians nuts. lol, Will.

Copernicus: Sweetie, guess what? The earth is not the center of the universe. Press my sackcloth, will you? I’m going to take a beating on this one.

Einstein: Hans, I just nailed “D.” I solved “A,” “B” and “C” yesterday. If I can just figure out what “E” equals by Friday, Vegas here we come, baby.

Patrick Henry: Dearest Sarah, what do you think of this—”Give me liberty or else!” It does not quite have the ‘ring’ I was hoping for. Thoughts?

Pythagoras: O.K., O.K. No need to get your tweets all atwitter. It’s just a theorem.

George Washington: Am crossing the Delaware just to get this portrait painter off my case. Over and back, then he promises to leave. Save me a knish.

Paul Revere: Was it ‘One if by land and two if by sea’? Or ‘Two if by land and’…He held up two, right? It was two? Which one was two? Land? Arrgh!

John Hancock: Just signed the Declaration. Franklin goes “John, now your name will doubtless become synonymous with ‘signature.'” (I think he was drinking).

King Tut: Dude, guess where I’m standing. In my own tomb! Your design guys did an awesome job. But the baboon theme is SO 1400 B.C.—Rethink?

Chaucer: That of all the floures in the mede, Thanne love I most these floures white and rede, Suche as men callen daysyes in her toune. Twittre rooles!

Hemingway
: So I’m thinking “The Sun Also Rises.” But the more I stare at it, the less it makes sense. The Sun. Also. Rises. Am I just being weird?

Thomas Edison: Light bulb a success. Candlelight now obsolete. Sorry, honey. But I’ll be home early. Let’s run a bubble bath and make believe it’s yesterday.

Alexander Graham Bell: “Mr. Watson, come here. I need you.” They’re putting it in the history books! I should have said “Watson, where’d you hide the Schlitz?”

Charles Darwin: Just had great idea for raising expedition funds: A fish with legs. “Darwin” inside. We’ll sell a million to put on the backs of carriages!

Karl Marx: Vladmir, I need this speech ASAP. I am trying to read your handwriting—”Religion is the opposite of the masses?” I don’t get it. Call me.

Sigmund Freud: Martha, am at the office. Just discovered all behavior is based on repressed sexual urges. Um, call the agency and get me a new secretary.

Neil Armstrong: Woot! I just stuck the landing. There is a definite odor of green cheese, though. Buzz smells it too. Houston, I’m kind of freaked.

Confucius: Ming, I’m at the publisher. He turned down my book. Said I need to build a following first. Does your uncle still own that fortune cookie company?

Personally, I think if you need to know what I am doing right now, you probably have too much time on your hands, and besides, I would only be making up something more interesting for your benefit.

(O.K., if you do have too much time on your hands, you can follow my tweets, embellished as they are. But I will be really disappointed in you.)

Becky here … I saw this in the newspaper the other day. Seems you were on to something, George!

Pre-presidential tweets from the past
By The Associated Press
BOSTON — It seems John Quincy Adams was way ahead of his time. A high school student touring the sixth U.S. president’s archives recently noticed his bite-size diary entries looked a lot like tweets.

His updates are concise enough to put Twitter experts to shame: “Thick fog. Scanty Wind. On George’s Bank. Lat: 42-34. Read Massillon’s Careme Sermons 2 & 3. Ladies are Sick.” This one, from Aug. 6, 1809, comes in at 109 characters, well under Twitter’s 140-character limit.

The entries can be found at twitter.com/JQAdams_MHS.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.