So I’m reading the newspaper this morning.
Oh, I’m sorry — that’s one of those oversized pieces of paper with words printed on them. They have several pages. Large, colorful ads. Lots of unfunny comics involving dogs. Maybe you’ve seen them in a museum. If not, ask your grandma about them, although she’ll know them by the name “Liberty Rags.”
Anyway, I’m drinking coffee and reading the paper and every turn of the page brings yet another article about stupid stuff.
First, an article about skiers trying to get away with using someone else’s season pass, including the girl who said she was in the middle of a sex change when caught with her boyfriend’s pass.
Then, it seems scientists have perfected a vaccine that alters a person’s blood chemistry so cocaine doesn’t make them high. They’re trying to help these poor sods from the methadone clinic get clean but the scientists underestimated their will. And their stupidity. Some of the volunteer subjects went broke trying to find the one flavor of cocaine that would still get them high while on the vaccine. They had ten times the amount of cocaine in their systems as the researchers had seen before. Lesson? Addicts are tenacious.
Have you heard the one about the Newark airport? Seems someone was over-excited about meeting an arriving passenger and went the wrong way through security. Nobody stopped him (!!!) and the airport shut down — no flights in or out. They even pulled people off planes and re-screened them! The crush of people in the airport rivaled that of a World Cup soccer championship with a halftime show by Michael Jackson, Elvis and Jesus. Huge disruption of commerce and lives and the TSA guy who was napping “might be disciplined.” Disciplined?! Wow. Isn’t that a little harsh, TSA? (Be prepared to meet arriving passengers in a cornfield in Nebraska … regardless of which airport they fly into.)
And there were more White House party crashers. Astounding. How hard is it for someone to check invitations and names against a guest list? Seems they should replace the security guards at the White House with the old ladies running my dry cleaners. Sasha and Malia wouldn’t even get in.
Locally, there was this story. Someone needed a bit of cash so they took their bright yellow (who knew?!) left leg prosthesis to the scrap metal place in hopes it was worth something. But no, apparently there’s not enough metal in fake legs. (Again, who knew?!) But when another customer — who also wore prosthetics, coincidentally — was there recycling her cans, she asked if she could donate the leg to Project Cure, if they weren’t going to do anything with it. The answer? “No, we’re not doing anything with it; no, you can’t have it; and no, we won’t donate it either.”
Okay. That’s not so much stupid as it is infuriating, so let’s move on to today’s favorite stupid story, again local.
The Littleton (CO) City Council is discussing regulations about allowing medical marijuana dispensaries. They’re considering certain restrictions — not allowing them near schools … limiting their hours from 7am to 9pm … can’t be run by felons — all very reasonable. But then I read, “Signs at the dispensaries will be prohibited from using the words ‘marijuana,’ ‘cannabis’ or other names for the drug.”
I wish, I wish, I wish I owned a sign shop in Littleton. I would LOVE to make signs for businesses named Happy Happy Fun Store … or Higher Than a Kite (But We Don’t Sell Kites) … or Brownies and More – Much, Much More … or Mary Jane’s Bannacis and Schmarijuana Emporium … or even the Toke ‘N Chew.
Pretty sure I’d “make arrangements” for payment of their bill. I’d need a good brownie after a hard day of sign installation.
What would you name your medical marijuana dispensary?