The Pirate Life

If you’re thinking of a life of piracy, here are some of the rules that must be followed:

When fishing, a pirate uses either a sword, a knife, or his bare hands. Use of a hook is only acceptable in the event the pirate is missing a hand.

Pirates shall always wear boots, except in the case of a peg leg. Then one boot is acceptable. Flip-flops are completely out.

Pirates do not cry, except in the case of the loss of a shipload of rum.

When describing the size of a treasure, a pirate is required to exaggerate by at least 130%.

No pirate shall discuss his feelings, unless his feelings include gutting a man from stem to stern and spilling his entrails.

During a sword fight, sword fighting insults are required. In the event both participants are still alive at the end of the fight, the participant with the superior insults shall be declared the victor.

No matter how hard it is raining, two pirates may never share an umbrella. Pirates do not fear rain.

A pirate may never compliment another pirate on the softness of his hands.

No pirate shall wear a bracelet or a necklace, unless it is the tooth or tusk of an animal he killed.

Dousing oneself in beer is a perfectly acceptable replacement for a shower.

Three-cornered hats, headbands and bandanas are the only acceptable headwear for pirates. Fedoras, bowler derbies, baseball caps, Mickey ears, top hats, sombreros, or anything with lace and flowers will be removed from the vessel—head included. A grace period of one minute is allowed for hats looted from a tailor.

A pirate does not “go shopping.” Unless by “shopping,” you mean “killing.”

Peglegs must be made of timber or some other suitable wood. Plastic, ceramic, porcelain, or metal peglegs are utterly unacceptable, simply because it complicates the use of the phrase “shiver me timbers.”

Real pirates have chest hair. If you cannot grow chest hair, you may be a cabin boy.

Under no circumstances is a comb-over an acceptable pirate hairdo.

No pirate may ever change his shirt because it is “wrinkled.” A pirate may only change his shirt if it is completely soaked in blood.

Cannoneers aboard a pirate vessel are not allowed to use hearing protection of any sort no matter what the OSHA regulations say.

Pirates must never share a bed or a hammock. It is perfectly acceptable for a pirate to sleep on the floor, or on a pile of treasure.

Hooks are the only acceptable hand substitute. However, they may not have secondary attachments such as screwdrivers, bottle openers, corkscrews, or nail files. You’re a pirate, not Inspector Gadget.

We sent this in the newsletter for our print shop a few months ago. Ran across it recently and still loved it so I thought you would too. Don’t you wish your local print shop was so cool?? I also thought it was an appropriate send-off for my Navy boy.  Any other pirate wisdom?

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