Dear Frontier Airlines

Dear #FrontierAirlines … I’m breaking up with you. You used to be my favorite, my one true carrier, the love of my North American travel. But no more.

I used to brag to my friends how much you loved animals, even giving them silly names and voices. And you were SO into me. What happened? It’s true I’ve gotten older and have more baggage, but you’re not all that and a bag of peanuts yourself. You’ve always been capricious ”” late for our dates, losing things, changing the rules whenever you feel like it. Remember that time, without any warning, you moved to a different state? What was that all about? You probably shop at Whole Foods now.

I’ve overlooked it all, though, because you were fun, whimsical, middle-class like me. Hey, I get that you want to get ahead in the world and that’s great. But you’re doing it at the expense of your old friends. You’re like the doctor who divorces his wife immediately after she puts him through med school. He’s a dick too.

Some girls might sugarcoat it and say, “It’s me, not you, baby,” but I can’t lie. It’s you. All you.

I looked the other way when you did away with your easy-to-understand tiered pricing. I made excuses for you when you charged for bags, both checked and carry-on, telling my friends, “He’s never done this before. He’s really very sweet, boy-next-door. He’ll change.”

But your infatuation with that skanky new website was the last straw. Have you tried to buy tickets on your own website? No? Well, I have. Let’s just say even though dumping the old and familiar might have made your manhood swell, you’ve left me unfulfilled. Frustrated. Quivering with disappointment.

You’ve forced me to look elsewhere to consummate my travel plans. I will henceforth seek affection from your cousin, #SouthwestAirlines. He doesn’t seem to care about my baggage. In fact, he seems to welcome it.

Your hometown gal, forever heartbroken,


ps – We’re still sharing custody of Grizz, though, right?


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