Tag Archives: humor

BeckyLand Investigation

Something funny went on in BeckyLand this week. I had a spike in my viewers one day, which always makes me curious. So I investigated.

Here are the search terms people used to find my blog that day ….

• linear wrinkles in one or both lobes    21

• funny books for kids            4

• earlobe linear crease  3

• linear wrinkles on earlobe            3

• earlobes with linear creases + photo            3

• funny boot camp t shirts            2

• how do you know you have a tapeworm            2

• linear wrinkles earlobes            2

• goofy irish song music video from the 80        2

• linear wrinkles earlobe 2

So you don’t have to do the math yourself, that’s 34 people who searched out information about earlobe wrinkles. (And apparently passed on the link to my blog.)

Earlobe. Wrinkles.

In the greater scheme of the world population, that’s not many people, I know. But in the lesser scheme of people doing cyber searches, it seems a bit extreme. Even for BeckyLand. [BTW, did you notice the people searching for tapeworm information? I get someone every day. Every Day. You didn’t believe me, did you?]

And it happened again the next day to a lesser extent …

• funny books for kids            4

• trident seal pin            3

•  tapeworm            2

• linear wrinkles earlobes            2

• broken pinky toe       2

• black girls kiss white men            2

• linear wrinkles earlobe photo            2

• linear wrinkles in earlobes            2

• richest fictional characters            2

• man having baby    2

• navy seals iraq 2009    1

Here’s the actual post, Listen To Your Body Even When It Says Stupid Stuff, in case you missed it. Clearly, it’s cutting-edge info. You’re welcome.

Unfortunately, I’m sure I disappointed the curious folks searching for “man having baby” and the interracial smooching.

How ’bout you … would you rather read about “linear wrinkles on earlobe” or “man having baby”? But more importantly, go to the mirror and take a peek at your earlobes. See any wrinkles?

Amusing Similes and Metaphors

Every year, English teachers from across the country submit their most amusing similes and metaphors gleaned from high school essays. I’m not sure if this is really true or simply an urban myth, but here are some of the “winners” from 2007. But even if some under-employed writer wearing only a tattered robe wrote them in an unheated basement, they’re still funny.

• He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

• She grew on him like she was a colony of E.Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

• She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

• Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

• John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

• Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

• The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

• It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

• He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

What’s your most amusing simile or metaphor? Or the one you’re desperate to find a place for in your writing? Or finish this sentence … “BeckyLand is like …”

Punishments That Backfire

• Taking the car keys away, forcing you to drive them everywhere.
• “One hour of violin practice every day, young lady!”
• “One hour of tuba practice every day, young man! And your brother too!”
• “You don’t like what I make for dinner?! Then YOU cook!”
• “That’s it. Time out.” [Allowing them to go to their room and read without you bothering them. The thing they crave the most.]
• “You are NOT too full to eat those lima beans. Make ”˜em disappear, fella!” [Said lima beans to be found four days later dried and stuck in the pants pocket.]
• “No laughing at the dinner table!!” [Resulting in non-stop laughter from my sister and me at the dinner table. Sorry, Mom.]
• “If you don’t learn to take care of your own hair, we’ll have to get it cut.”

[“How’s this, Mommy? I did just like you said.”]

Have you ever momentarily lost your mind with your kids thus spawning some lame punishment? Ever been on the receiving end of ridiculous punishment?

Funny Spam Subject Lines

I had trouble remembering to clean out my spam folder until recently. Now I look forward to it every day because I find gems like these.

Great summer sale of medicaments.
A cross between medicine and treatments, perhaps? Not quite a medicine, not quite a treatment. Much like the current state of antibiotics.

Goodiest proposition. I think someone with low self-esteem wrote that. Otherwise it would be the Bestiest proposition.

I desperately wanted to click on this one. Boy caught in toy machine. Is it a tiny plastic machine for kids to play with? Or is it a large industrial machine that makes toys? Either way, that boy was unsupervised.

In case I forget why it’s called the worldwide web, I also get spam with international flair. Swiss sponsors see redd over blue team poster. I’m curious to know about the blue team. Are they really, really sad? Because the Swiss can’t spell ”˜red’?

Don’t they have YouTube in the Netherlands? This is just begging for video. Golf with a clog proves hit with the Dutch.

But my favorite spam subject line this week was Police horse rides heatwave with sun cream. The only acceptable response is “WTF?!”

Tell me your funny spam subject lines. Pleeeeeze?

Why Blog?

First, because it’s such a fine and descriptive thing to do. All 14-year-old boys and me love onomatopoeia. Remember 8th grade English class? Stuff that sounds like its name? Blaaaaggghhh. Urp. Tinkle. Snap. Boom. Poop. Whip. Kung Pao Chicken.

Second, verbifying nouns is the new American Dream. You probably know that ”˜blog’ is short for ”˜weblog’ which used to be an online diary kept by nerds. They tried to shorten it to ”˜webl’ but those of us in a certain demographic kept singing, “Weebles wobble but they don’t fall down.” Then we’d do a little dance and lose our train of bloggy thought. After more consideration, the Nerds In Charge decided ”˜blog’ was a better name because even though blogs wobble and quite often fall down, there’s no dance involved to lower productivity.

It’s strange how we like to shorten so many of our words and yet we still say ”˜orthodontics’ and ”˜Episcopalian’ and ”˜dictionary.’ But maybe that’s just me. I live in the suburbs.

So what does this have to do with blogging, you ask? Nothing. I just like doing my Weeble dance.

But, Becky, you ask, does humanity need another blog? Nope. And yet blogs are churned out faster than half-price lattes at Starbucks. So why am I joining the ranks of bloggers?

It’s simple.

To keep my writing muscle strong.
To share a laugh.
To try out new ideas.
To hear new ideas.
To connect with readers who like my style.

And why should you read my blog?

Because someday I might teach you the Weeble dance.

Do you write blogs? Do you read blogs? Why or why not? What do you like about blogs? What do you dislike?