Tag Archives: Tapeworm

How People Stumble into BeckyLand

I’ve become fascinated ”” some say obsessed ”” by the machinations of the blogosphere. My blogosphere, in particular.

My blog statistics and my StatCounter tell me many fascinating things, like which of my blogs are the most popular … how long people stay in BeckyLand … what pages they read during a visit … a running tally of my posts, comments and pings … and the countries my readers hail from.

People trek into BeckyLand from all the cool states and every corner of the world. Israel, Indonesia, Switzerland, Germany, Portugal, Canada, Australia. Some make sense, like Venice after I interviewed Cat Bauer who lives there. Or Sweden after I mentioned ABBA. Or Malaysia after I posted about a high school band there. Or England, since the Queen is a huge fan.

But when I saw I had visitors (plural!) from Kazakhstan, I had to do a bit of research before it made sense. An exhaustive search of Wikipedia reveals that livestock is one of Kazakhstan’s most important agricultural commodities. I recently waxed poetic about cows. Mystery solved.

My favorite blog stat, however, is the section that tells me the search terms people use to stumble into BeckyLand.

Oddly enough, every single day people, possibly muppets, search “Cookie Monster” and end up in BeckyLand. I tracked it for five days and discovered 36 of them looked for Cookie Monster and found me. But that’s not all. In one day folks searched from the general “Cookie Monster pics” (2), to the very specific “Cookie Monster eats a donut” (2), “C is for cookie” (1), and “Cookie Monster #” (3), which seems like some kind of code. Unless it’s Elmo trying to program his cell phone.

Weirdly, when I googled these phrases, I never found my blog. Lesson learned? Cookie Monster fans are persistent.

These are some of my favorite search terms people used recently to gain entry into BeckyLand. Some make perfect sense as they directly relate to topics I’ve written about like “most beautiful numbers synesthesia” … “I love a tuba player” … “synesthesia in taste” … “looks like Letterman.”

But these? “Jacuzzi” … “twas” … “what makes a person prissy”?! I twasn’t in a Jacuzzi, nor am I very prissy.

I’m equally baffled by this one ”” “like fathers chasing kids around with po.”  Pork? Poles? Polyester? Pogo sticks? Porcupines? Pollen? Podiums? Potatoes? Poinsettias? Potable water? Politicians? Popcorn? Polar bears? Poetry? Postage stamps? Pocahontas? Poison? Polliwogs? Pocketknives? Pomeranians? Polaroids? Potassium nitrate? It boggles the mind.

Disturbingly, a lot of people find me using phrases involving “tapeworm.” At least once a week, sometimes more. Five times just this week. “Human tapeworm” (2) … “tapeworm segments in human” (2) … and “tapeworm segments in stool” (1).  I don’t take it personally, but I’m becoming a bit concerned about the health care in this country.

But I’m clearly the go-to blog for writers struggling for just the right turn of phrase, which more than makes up for it. In the past week I got these ”” “metaphors for being in the marching band” … “funny similes about love” … “urban similes” … “similes someone’s first day of high school” … “bad similes by teens and gross” … “e coli Canadian similes” … “a simile sentence for someone showing hat.”

Hmm. Hope I was helpful.

Got a simile sentence for someone showing hat? How bout a bad simile by teens and gross? Or any e coli Canadian similes?

Tapeworm

I’m always hungry. Fairly certain I have a tapeworm.

I mean, really, what else could it be?

More distressing than having a tapeworm is that none of the so-called “professionals” in my life (gynecologist, dental hygienist, hairdresser, check-out guy at the grocery store) believe me.

Nor do they seem to care.

But a tapeworm! C’mon!!

Armed with only my logic and my mad google skillz, I started doing some research. The Mayo Clinic seemed like a good, scholarly first stop, even though I don’t eat a lot of mayonnaise. It was looking pretty good until they said if one had a tapeworm, one might also notice “segments of the adult tapeworm (proglottids) in one’s stool.”

Not on MY watch, buddy. My leather ottoman is as proglottid-free as the day I bought it. But I did notice a blob of orange marmalade that I wiped off.

So I added the Mayo Clinic to the list of professionals who mock me.

MyElectronicMD seemed a promising site until they said, “The Dwarf tapeworm is spread directly from an infected person to another person.” Appalling! Don’t they know the politically correct phrase is “Little Person tapeworm”? But really, Little People are not that little, so the reliability of this site is highly questionable.

Clearly, I’ll have to travel out of the country to seek relief, much like elderly Minnesotans who are forced to sneak into Canada for their heart medicine. Luckily, they can barter for it using their abundant and cheap Viagra.

My mad google skillz proved once again invaluable when I located a translation site. I typed in “I think I have a tapeworm” and was immediately rewarded by several nations who not only didn’t mock me, but also told me how to approach Doctors Without Internet Borders.

Croatian: Mislim da imam trakavice
Dutch: Ik denk dat ik een lintworm
French: Je crois que j’ai un ténia
Italian: Credo di avere una tenia
Norwegian: Jeg tror jeg har en Bendelormer
Portuguese: Penso ter uma ténia

First stop … German Google to try my mad google skillz, I mean, my nahrung google fertigkeiten.

Herr Doctor ….. Ich glaube, ich habe eine Bandwurm.

Do YOU think I have a tapeworm? And don’t you think it ROCKS that it’s called a “Bandwurm” in German??