Treat these funny Thanksgiving quotes in whichever way makes sense for you. Read them now, in anticipation of a joyful day, overflowing with merriment. Or read them after your passive aggressive family brawl of a holiday to help you get over it. Or read them now AND read them later simply because they’ll make you smile.
George Carlin …
We’re having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.
Ambrose Bierce …
Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.
Erma Bombeck …
What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?
Cornelius Plantinga, Jr. …
It must be an odd feeling to be thankful to nobody in particular. Christians in public institutions often see this odd thing happening on Thanksgiving Day. Everyone in the institution seems to be thankful ‘in general.’ It’s very strange. It’s a little like being married in general.
Russell Baker …
It was dramatic to watch my grandmother decapitate a turkey with an ax the day before Thanksgiving. Nowadays the expense of hiring grandmothers for the ax work would probably qualify all turkeys so honored with ‘gourmet’ status.
Jon Stewart …
I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.
Johnny Carson …
Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.
H. W. Westermayer …
The pilgrims made seven times more graves than huts… nevertheless, set aside a day of thanksgiving.
Arnold Schwarzenegger …
I love Thanksgiving turkey… it’s the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts.
Kevin James …
Thanksgiving, man! Not a good day to be my pants.
Erma Bombeck …
Thanksgiving dinner takes eighteen hours to prepare. It is consumed in twelve minutes. Football half-time take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.
Rita Rudner …
My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.
Phyllis Diller …
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
BONUS HOLIDAY SUGGESTION
And here’s something to do when you’re all stuffed with pie and can only move to pick up the TV remote … Thanksgiving themed movies!
First, my very favorite movie of all time … the movie against which all movies should be judged … the movie all movies should aspire to be … the movie to be studied in film schools to ensure movies of this caliber should be continued to be made …
Pieces of April
Can cute, edgy Katie Holmes really cook a turkey? She certainly tries in Peter Hedges 2003 indie drama about an independent young woman who invites her estranged family to her East Village apartment for the holidays. All is well until the stove breaks.
And some other ones …
Hannah and Her Sisters
Woody Allen’s 1986 drama about three sisters is one of his very best. The film’s set piece is Thanksgiving, where Hannah’s (Mia Farrow) clan gathers together in a tremendous Central Park West apartment for the holiday celebration. The black maid polishes the silver, Mia’s mother drinks too much and plays the piano, hearts are broken and mended in startling ways. Barbara Hershey, Michael Caine, Diane Wiest, Carrie Fisher, and Woody Allen also star.
Home For The Holidays
Jodie Foster’s directorial debut gets it just right: dinner with the family can be a nightmare — and also hilarious. The stellar cast includes Academy Award winner Holly Hunter, Robert Downey Jr., Claire Danes, and Anne Bancroft.
The House of Yes
Indie film’s first reigning queen Parker Posey won a Special Recognition award at the 1997 Sundance Film Festival for her all-out eccentric performance as Jackie-O. Mentally deranged but charming in her pill box hats, Parker flies into a menacing jealous rage when her adored older brother (Josh Hamilton) brings home a girlfriend (Tori Spelling) for Thanksgiving.
Miracle on 34th Street
What is Thanksgiving for, if not to get hyped up about the coming of Christmas? Nowhere is that more joyously clear than in the 1947 classic Miracle on 34th Street, starring Maureen O’Hara, John Payne and the super adorable, six-year-old Natalie Wood. The film starts at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade and heads straight into the venerable department store. Let the shopping begin!
Planes, Trains, Automobiles
An advertising executive who just wants to fly home to spend Thanksgiving with his family is stuck with a loud but lovable salesman during an unbelievable succession of blizzards, transfers, strikes, and delays. Steve Martin and John Candy are hilarious in this classic John Hughes comedy.
What will you do this Thanksgiving?