Recently we discussed whether I should attend my 30th high school reunion.

I think I’ve decided to go.

But that creates another problem. What does one say to people one hasn’t seen in 30 years?

Do I mention how nicely their acne cleared up?

Do I ask who finally talked them out of their unfortunate hairstyle?

Do I remind them of the hilarious story of when they beat me up in the girl’s restroom?

How many times will I be forced to say, “No, that wasn’t me, but I did get suspended for it.”

Do I say, “So, what have you been doing for the last 30 years?” and then set the timer for three minutes? After all, we had a big class … I wouldn’t want to leave anyone out.

What about the guys I had a crush on? Do I calmly tell them so, or do I fling myself across the room, arms and legs holding them vice-like, sobbing, “Finally!! I’ve waited all these years!! Will you PLEASE sit with me at Fargo’s Pizza?! Upstairs?! Where all the cool kids sit?!”

I’m really at a loss. What is proper reunion behavior?

Oh snap! I just had a brainstorm! I’ll wear somebody else’s nametag! Duh.

What would you say to someone you haven’t seen in 30 years?