Warning Signs Your Resolutions Will Fail, In The Unlikely Event They Haven’t Already

1. You didn’t make any
2. You made more than one
3. You only made one but it involved dieting or exercise
4. You broke your own foot to avoid going to the gym
5. You made the mistake of looking on Pinterest for inspiration and found everyone else had handmade, artisanal resolutions, rendering yours like lopsided cupcakes without a theme
6. They all included the phrase “winning the lottery”
7. You posted them on social media and nobody liked, shared, or retweeted them
8. You made them with a friend
9. You didn’t make them with a friend
10. You really, really hate kale, jogging, and/or investing one-third of your paycheck in any scheme that doesn’t involve alcohol and/or dessert
11. You really, really like alcohol and/or dessert

But that’s no reason to give up.