I truly have the funniest, most entertaining Facebook friends. Many I know personally, but a significant number Iâ€™ve never actually met. â€œFriendâ€ is a nebulous concept these days.
For those of you unfamiliar with the mysterious ways of Facebook, every day â€” or every minute â€” you can update your status on your profile page. Facebook automatically starts with your name, then you fill in the rest. All your friends can read it, comment on it, or just give it an effusive thumbs up.
Boring friends try to sell you something or tell you about yet another of their blog book tours or offer up fascinating tidbits like, â€œBecky is eating a sandwich.â€
But my fabutastic friends say things like this over the course of about three days â€¦.
â€¢ <insert name here> is repeating the magic words and waving her magic wand, but the house still looks like…oh, wow. No wonder we never invite anyone to dinner.
â€¢ is feeling virtuous. Hopefully it won’t last.
â€¢ It happened. It was bound to. I reached for my coffee and took a big swig of ink stained water – I grabbed the mug that I use to wash my brushes. Ironically, it’s the coffee I need to not make such mistakes…(India ink does not taste good).
â€¢ helped Katie today… again more industrious than the bloody industrial revolution…
â€¢ kicked over an ant hill today. REBUILD. Haha.
â€¢ Who names their child Aldous?
â€¢ had a couple of thoughts just now. Must be digging out of the cotton mush that took over my brain today.
â€¢ ‘s husband is a genius… he’s decided to “create a new month called Edu-vember, where teachers are able to catch up on all of their work without distraction! help spread the word!”
â€¢ bought a new orange basket, because nothing says ‘I love you’ like storing your kids’ toys in a receptacle that smells like cow dung.
â€¢ Favorite quote from Worlds: “OMG half the Staples Center just got eye-raped by Brian Joubert.” Only he didn’t say “raped.”
â€¢ Your mood swings are kinda giving me whiplash.
â€¢ is back at work, no sick Johns. (Um. Should probably clarify that I am not a hooker.)
â€¢ feels a little bad that my 7 year old left an empty table setting for me, and my 4 year old waited up past 9 because he wanted to say Good Night. It’s nice to be missed, and–hey! One of my kids set the table!!
â€¢ is so excited that her marshmallow tree is blooming like crazy and she will have a bumper crop of fresh marshmallows in a few weeks. Fluffernutters for all.
â€¢ is nimbly avoiding the past participle but crashing into the continuous aspect.
â€¢ imagines the students in his children’s lit class will greet his newly written lecture on the predictive coefficient of children’s fantasy with sustained applause, rhythmic clapping and stomping, and loud, piercing ululations of untrammelled joy tomorrow.
â€¢ was playing in his office chair and found a fun lever that made him fall out of it! *hops up and pulls it again* WEEEEEE!!!
â€¢ is listening to a fantastic Gordon Lightfoot record. Yes. I said Gordon Lightfoot. Deal with it.
â€¢ Wow! This message just makes a lot of sense – “Search is currently unavailable, please try at another time or right now.” Guess they’re optimistic that search is only unavailable for a millisecond or so…
â€¢ thinks winter is being a control freak. Relinquish!!
Do you want more of these funny bulletins from my friends in the future? Did any make you snort right out loud?