Police Blotter

The crime and the crime reporting in this town cracks me up! These are taken from one week’s worth of criminal behavior reported in our local newspaper. No embellishments on my part but street names and such were changed to protect the guilty …

• Man mistakes brother for trashcan. At 11:24 p.m. Sept. 15, police responded to a report of a drunk driver in a neighborhood on the 16300 block of Orchard. A man ran into a parked car while driving a scooter intoxicated. The man said he thought he saw his brother, which was just a trashcan. He was arrested. [Love this so much! An intoxicated scooter and a trashcan brother. It’s why I read the paper.]

• Man’s car can’t even go 59 mph. At 11:18 p.m. Sept. 15, police stopped a vehicle traveling 59 mph in a 45 mph zone near the intersection of Blue Grass and Blue Bell. The man said his older SUV couldn’t even go 59 mph. Police detected an odor of alcohol. The man said he drank a partial beer, but he failed a roadside test and was arrested. [Seriously? The best you could do was admit to a partial beer? Why not at least be creative and say you were celebrating a sports victory and you got drenched by the bucket of beer poured over your head? Or your girlfriend was wasted and you just made out with her. C’mon, folks, at least TRY!]

• Called out. At 12:58 a.m. Sept. 15, police responded to a report of a DUI in the Sunset subdivision. An anonymous caller advised police of the driver, make and model of her car and said where she was headed. Upon contact, the driver denied drinking, but nearly fell out of her car when asked to exit. Officers also found drug paraphernalia in the driver’s bra. She was arrested. [“Excuse me, does this come in a 36-double bong?”]

• Doing construction, doing time. At 6:05 p.m. Sept. 13, police responded to a report of three suspicious men. Three men were observed taking tools out of a shed. When confronted, the men said they were doing construction. Upon clearance through dispatch, one of the men had a warrant for failure to appear on a sex assault. He was arrested. [This one I particularly like because on a Monday night at 6 pm it seemed suspicious that men were using tools. And people say Americans lack work ethic!]

• In need of a change. At 11:43 a.m. Sept. 10, police responded to a report of a theft at Great Clips. The manager said the vending machine service man took the cash box from the snack tray in the back office, which he is not responsible for. The box was missing after the service man entered the office. He was issued a summons for theft. [I love the wording here … ‘which he is not responsible for’ … I needed that clarification for the story to make sense.]

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