Category Archives: Goofy Stuff

Mother’s Day

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Because I only do for others every minute of every day … and because I’ve been named Mother of the Decade …  I was asked recently for advice on how to shower Mom with affection on her upcoming holiday.

As I think about it, though, I guess it could have been a ploy to keep me from talking about myself so much, but we don’t dwell on unpleasantness like that in BeckyLand.

At any rate, here are some inexpensive ideas for those of you hit hard by the recession. Remember, it doesn’t mean there has to be a recession of love.

• Get busy on a stylish macaroni necklace for the mom in your life. The more glitter the better. In fact, spill a bunch on the carpet. Moms love that.

• One year I brought a new baby boy home from the hospital on Mother’s Day. I had to return him a few days later at the request of the hospital administration … some legal mumbo jumbo about kidnapping and indictments. It might not be the right gift for everyone, but it was a fun way to celebrate before my prison sentence.

• Hand-letter some “Hug Coupons.”  These are best if you live near her. And have impeccable hygiene.

• Give her a six-pack of beer. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that there are six hours on Sunday afternoons. Mother’s Day is no exception.

• If you still live at home, move out. If that’s not quite feasible because you’re, say, between “this many” and 34-going-on-35, then at least give her a written timetable for when she might get her life back.

• Bestow upon Mom one of your grimiest, most used toys, elaborately and lovingly wrapped in the Sunday funnies. She’ll appreciate the humor that makes it look like you “forgot” Mother’s Day. Again.

• Bring her a carefully crafted breakfast in bed that includes a Mom-sized portion of Teriyaki beef jerky, a fruit roll-up with maple syrup dipping sauce, and a can of Mountain Dew. Include a straw and a couple of napkins from Burger King. Make it elegant.

• Everyone knows moms never get enough time to themselves to indulge in their favorite relaxation activities, so help her by managing her time for her. Read the current issue of Mad Magazine to her through the bathroom door while she soaks in the tub. Be sure to shout so she hears every calming word.

• Go to the mall with her and mock hoochie girls. That’s some good bonding time right there. Really, a gift for you both.

• Start doing your own laundry. But in a good way. Not the way that requires her to grab the mop and call the repairman.

• Transplant spider glands into your body so you can spin your own silk to make her a pretty scarf. (Granted, some of these ideas are more complicated than others. I guess it just depends on how much you love your mother.)

• Friend her on Facebook and make a conscious effort not to delete all the messages she writes on your wall. You don’t have to send her a L’il Green Plant though. Some things are obvious.

• Sneak a peek at the appointment book at your local day spa and smuggle your mom in as “the two o’clock.” Be sure to get there early. Oh, and before you go, remind her to wear sneakers as there might be running involved. Call it “cardio” if you must, but don’t refer to a police chase through the downtown streets.

• Quit playing wii for ten minutes so Mom can yogafy herself in the exertvputeraryden room. Or if you just can’t drag yourself away, would it kill ya to invite her to wii bowl once in awhile?!

• Clog her inbox with adorable videos of cute widdle puppies like this one …

[youtube=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RuzdGiW90Zs]

• Put on a show! Act out all the parts in her favorite movie. Or Star Wars.

• Nominate her for Mother of the Year. This is really an idea for next year because, as I’ve mentioned, I’ve already won for this decade … But it will give you the jumpstart over your siblings a mere twelve months from now. THEN you’ll be her favorite.

• Better yet, let Mom agonize over and analyze every little thing in your life ”” from your poop to your diet to your clothing choices to the way you drive to your love life to how you raise your kids, whether you have any or not. Seriously. This makes her happy.

I hope I’ve helped make your Mother’s Day celebration special. And to my own mom I say, “Hey … Wanna wii bowl?”

What will you be doing for your mom this Mother’s Day? Which of these things are you hoping for from your kids?

How To Put Sunscreen On A Dog

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Nala cocking her head Nala the WonderDog was recently diagnosed with Discoid Lupus Erythematosus (DLE). Colorado, where we live, has an extremely high rate of auto-immune diseases, both in people and in pets. And they don’t really know why.

Just like “people lupus,” DLE is an immune disease, but instead of affecting the whole body, it mostly just affects her nose.

Over the course of about 18 months, she has slowly lost the black pigment and cobblestone texture of her nose. No other symptoms, and it doesn’t bother her one bit.

There’s no cure for DLE, but symptoms can be managed with a topical ointment my dermatology veterinarian prescribes. [Yeah, read that again. I have a doggie dermatologist.] I expect to receive it in the next day or two and I’m told within a couple of months, we’ll see her nose return to its former glory. I’ll report back.

In the meantime, and forever, I’m supposed to put sunscreen on her widdle nose before she goes outside for longer than 10 minutes. It has to be broad-spectrum, at least 30 SPF, waterproof, and non-toxic.

I’ve been doing this for a couple of weeks, kinda sorta, and I’ve come to the conclusion there are Four Stages of Dog Sunscreening one must pass through.

First Stage ”” Oblivious

This is where you think “how hard can it be?” You dab a bit of sunscreen on your finger, rub it on her nose then walk away, thinking your job is done. That nose is licked clean before you even cap the tube.

Second Stage ”” Reasoning

Here, you apply the sunscreen using the same logic you would with your children or recalcitrant spouse, saying things like, “We can’t go outside until you put it on” and “All the other husbands are doing it.” It’s very similar to telling a child (or a recalcitrant spouse), “You can’t have your dessert if you don’t eat your veggies.” Unfortunately, reasoning of this kind is wasted on dogs who eat sticks, bugs, grass, and all manner of things you wouldn’t think to bribe them with. “Dessert” holds no special meaning to a dog, unless of course, it’s delicious, like zinc oxide.

Third Stage ”” Bait & Switch

This is where you apply it with your right hand, while you’re doling out love with the left. (Or versa-dextrous.) “Who’s a good girl, standing so still while getting sunscreened?” … scritch, scritch … “Who’s Mommy’s favorite?” … knead, knead … “Who’s getting more attention than my children ever did?” … pat, pat, scritch, scritch

But ultimately, you realize that none of these strategies are really working as you’d like. Which leads us to the

Fourth Stage ”” Hopeful

It looks like this: dab – lick – dab – lick – this time’ll be different – dab – lick – dab – lick – dab – lick – this time’ll be different – dab – lick.  Repeated until one of you passes out from ennui. Hint. It won’t be the dog.

This is very much an example of “pilling a duck.” What ridiculous things do you do for your pet?

Warning Signs Your Resolutions Will Fail, In The Unlikely Event They Haven’t Already

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  1. You didn’t make any
  2. You made more than one
  3. You only made one but it involved dieting or exercise
  4. You broke your own foot to avoid going to the gym
  5. You made the mistake of looking on Pinterest for inspiration and found everyone else had handmade, artisanal resolutions, rendering yours like lopsided cupcakes without a theme
  6. They all included the phrase “winning the lottery”
  7. You posted them on social media and nobody liked, shared, or retweeted them
  8. You made them with a friend
  9. You didn’t make them with a friend
  10. You really, really hate kale, jogging, and/or investing one-third of your paycheck in any scheme that doesn’t involve alcohol and/or dessert
  11. You really, really like alcohol and/or dessert

New Years Nala

But that’s no reason to give up.

Pill a Duck

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My husband and I spent the night at a hotel on New Years Eve. We weren’t too far from home, but we didn’t want to get up at the crack of early to race home and feed Nala the WonderDog.

Nala

So I contacted our fantastic pet sitter, Robin at Prairie Home Pet Care. “No changes since you were here last,” I told her, “except Nala is taking an antibiotic with breakfast. FYI, she will politely take it from your hand, and just as politely remove it from her mouth, often without even being observed. So you’ll have to cram it down her throat.”

“Not a problem. I’ve had to pill a duck all week, so I’m sure I can handle Nala.”

Thus was born my new favorite catchphrase.

Pill a duck: something you must do, but it’s a little unpleasant and ridiculous.

What in your life is like pilling a duck?

“Me At The Zoo”

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Today is the 10th anniversary of the very first YouTube video. I know, seems longer, right? Waaay longer. Here it is:

Coincidentally, it was also the birth of YouTube video parodies …

Thanks, Jawed Karim, for giving me so much useless and absolutely necessary nonsense.

I have lots of favorite videos, but this is one of my Top Five. I know it’s a guaranteed laugh when I need it.

What’s your favorite funny YouTube video?

 

I Never Learn

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I just don’t. I am incapable of The Learning.

I’m one of the few native Coloradans still in existence. We really should be in a museum. But such an honor comes with responsibility. Like shoveling snow from driveways and sidewalks.

Let me just say, we’re absolutely blessed here in Denver. When it snows, which it does periodically, the next day the sun comes out and dries up all the snow so the itsy bitsy spider can drive her car in town.

I think all the sunshine has permanently erased some aspect of my long-term memory, perhaps my short-term, too. [Note … I literally had to stop here and check my scribbles to remember the point of all this. Sigh.]

My point is this. No matter how many times I have shoveled snow in my life, I forget EVERY TIME how to do it without hurting my back.

I never learn.

We had about a foot of snow over the weekend, so hubs and I split duties, roughly half and half. Once on Sunday and then again yesterday. [I loved our 3-car driveway when we got it poured, lo, those many years ago. Not so much when it’s covered with snow.]

Yes, my back is killing me. Why? Because I never learn.

This morning I was repeatedly reminded of this travesty. I get up around 5am most days and am able to read (novels! for fun!) in the quiet early morning hours. It’s also when I drink my coffee.

every damn timeI have a lovely antique table next to my purple armchair, where my writer’s clock and my Splat Stan coaster keep me and my cup company. But occasionally, I need to refill. Okay, fine, more than “occasionally.”

Every damn time I needed more coffee this morning, I twisted and reached for my cup the exact wrong way, sending me into paroxysms of pain equaled only by my shrieks of profanity.

Every. Damn. Time.

I never learn.

Dear Frontier Airlines

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Dear #FrontierAirlines … I’m breaking up with you. You used to be my favorite, my one true carrier, the love of my North American travel. But no more.

I used to brag to my friends how much you loved animals, even giving them silly names and voices. And you were SO into me. What happened? It’s true I’ve gotten older and have more baggage, but you’re not all that and a bag of peanuts yourself. You’ve always been capricious ”” late for our dates, losing things, changing the rules whenever you feel like it. Remember that time, without any warning, you moved to a different state? What was that all about? You probably shop at Whole Foods now.

I’ve overlooked it all, though, because you were fun, whimsical, middle-class like me. Hey, I get that you want to get ahead in the world and that’s great. But you’re doing it at the expense of your old friends. You’re like the doctor who divorces his wife immediately after she puts him through med school. He’s a dick too.

Some girls might sugarcoat it and say, “It’s me, not you, baby,” but I can’t lie. It’s you. All you.

I looked the other way when you did away with your easy-to-understand tiered pricing. I made excuses for you when you charged for bags, both checked and carry-on, telling my friends, “He’s never done this before. He’s really very sweet, boy-next-door. He’ll change.”

But your infatuation with that skanky new website was the last straw. Have you tried to buy tickets on your own website? No? Well, I have. Let’s just say even though dumping the old and familiar might have made your manhood swell, you’ve left me unfulfilled. Frustrated. Quivering with disappointment.

You’ve forced me to look elsewhere to consummate my travel plans. I will henceforth seek affection from your cousin, #SouthwestAirlines. He doesn’t seem to care about my baggage. In fact, he seems to welcome it.

Your hometown gal, forever heartbroken,

Becky

ps – We’re still sharing custody of Grizz, though, right?

 

DIY Uses For Vodka-Besides the Obvious

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I saw this recipe for a DIY natural spray for eliminating odors. Haven’t tried it yet, you know, because everything in my life already smells like skittles and rainbows. And I’d have to make a special trip to find vodka ”” okay, I could barely type that with a straight face.

vodka

1C water

2t vodka or witch hazel

1t cornstarch

5 drops essential oil (choose your favorite flavor)

Stir everything until cornstarch dissolves then pour it into a clean spray bottle. Spray 6-8 inches from whatever you need to freshen. Shake between applications.

Here’s another idea, this one for facial astringent … Mix 8oz cooled green tea with 1/4t vodka. Blot as necessary.

You can de-frizz your hair with it. Add a shot to your 12-oz bottle of conditioner. Shake it up and use it every week or so.

Vodka is a great household cleaner too. Wipe counters with it and anywhere there’s mold or mildew. It makes chrome and glass shiny again, and does wonders for your windows. Mix 1C water with 1t vodka in a spray bottle. Spritz your windows, wipe off. Voilá!

Here’s another good one, for those of us who cling to our outdated but favorite blouses. When the armpits get stinky despite careful washing, spritz them with vodka. It neutralizes the odor but won’t stain. (Same reason to drink it, methinks.)

And the last use for what I like to call Household Vodka … add it to your pie crust dough! It keeps dough from forming too much gluten which can make your crust tough instead of flaky. Substitute 1T vodka for every 3rd tablespoon of water.

anything vodka can't do

Have you tried any of these? Will you? Can you spare vodka for non-drinking activities?

Best Cinderella?

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My husband and I were talking about the Rogers & Hammerstein “Cinderella” they made for TV. Yes, that’s how we roll. A few days later he brought me the CD from the library.

But it was the wrong one. I hated it. I couldn’t listen to it. I threw it against the wall. I rented a steamroller and drove over it fourteen times. I fed it to a bear.

So I’m going to ask you, Best Beloved. Which do you like better, in alphabetical order …

the Julie Andrews version …

or the Lesley Ann Warren version …

Leave your vote in the comments. When I have a substantial enough number, I’ll tell you if you’re right.

So … Julie Andrews or Lesley Ann Warren?

Superman’s Middle Name And A Cautionary Tale

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I saw this cute article about obscure Superman facts in a magazine so I was going to share the link on Facebook. Unfortunately, the magazine ”” which shall remain nameless ”” made me jump through so many hoops I had to check my hair to see if I was a performing poodle.

I understand and am ALL FOR publications wanting people to subscribe so they can make money. Totally down with that. Two things, though … this is a free magazine and how will they get new readers if we can’t share content?

Oh, three things. Their tagline is “articles to find, enjoy and share.”

D’oh.

So I will share. But I’ll scan it, thereby letting you find and enjoy. Pfft.

superman