Tag Archives: humor

Tape Convention

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This was the first blog post I ever wrote. Originally published August 26, 2008 to launch my ‘I’m Just Sayin’ blog.

Here’s something funny. Or sad. Or both.

My daughter’s flight comes in around 5pm tonight and I’m going to pick her up, so late last night I scribbled myself a note that said “tape convention tomorrow” because I didn’t want to miss Michelle Obama or any part of the Democratic National Convention. When I got up this morning, I stared at it for about 20 seconds wondering where was this Tape Convention I’m going to today, and why couldn’t I remember signing up for it.

In my defense, it was before I had my coffee.

I wonder what kind of workshops they have at the Tape Convention.
Motivational …. “Stick to It!”
Educational …. “Masking and Scotch — the Difference is Clear!”
How-To …. “Sticky Side Down, Except When Dealing with VHS”

What seminars or workshops would YOU like to see at a Tape Convention?

I Dare You Not To LOL, part 5

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I got these funny observations about life (lifeservations?) from a friend. It’s one of those viral emails that makes its way around the world in about eight seconds. Even if you’ve seen it, though, it’s worth another giggle.

I wish I knew who writes these things — some of them are hilarious. Like this one. It was long, though, so you get one every day this week —Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday AND Friday. [I know you know the days of the week. That’s to remind me to link them all.]

You’re welcome!

45. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

46. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

47. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

48. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

49. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

50. Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to with it.

51. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…

52. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day “Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?” How the hell do I respond to that?

53. It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

56. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

54. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

55. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

56. The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.

Got a favorite? Did you enjoy this week of lazy blogging? I know I did!

I Dare You Not To LOL, part 4

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I got these funny observations about life (lifeservations?) from a friend. It’s one of those viral emails that makes its way around the world in about eight seconds. Even if you’ve seen it, though, it’s worth another giggle.

I wish I knew who writes these things — some of them are hilarious. Like this one. It was long, though, so you get one every day this week —Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday AND Friday. [I know you know the days of the week. That’s to remind me to link them all.]

You’re welcome!

34. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

35. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem….

36. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

37. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.

38. There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

39. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

40. “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this. Ever.

41. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?’

42. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?

43. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

44. When I meet a new girl, I’m terrified of mentioning something she hasn’t already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

This might be my favorite batch. Is it yours?

I Dare You Not To LOL, part 3

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I got these funny observations about life (lifeservations?) from a friend. It’s one of those viral emails that makes its way around the world in about eight seconds. Even if you’ve seen it, though, it’s worth another giggle.

I wish I knew who writes these things — some of them are hilarious. Like this one. It was long, though, so you get one every day this week —Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday AND Friday. [I know you know the days of the week. That’s to remind me to link them all.]

You’re welcome!

23. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

24. Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’ examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said “Yes that’s G as in …(10 second lapse) …umm … Goonies.”

25. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

26. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.

27. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

28. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

29. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

30. I would like to officially coin the phrase ‘catching the swine flu’ to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an ugly woman. Example: “Dave caught the swine flu last night.”

31. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

32. Bad decisions make good stories

33. Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!

Got a favorite?

I Dare You Not To LOL, part 2

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I got these funny observations about life (lifeservations?) from a friend. It’s one of those viral emails that makes its way around the world in about eight seconds. Even if you’ve seen it, though, it’s worth another giggle.

I wish I knew who writes these things — some of them are hilarious. Like this one. It was long, though, so you get one every day this week —Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday AND Friday. [I know you know the days of the week. That’s to remind me to link them all.]

You’re welcome!

12. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.

13. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

14. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

15. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

16. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

17. A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

18.LOL has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say.”

19. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

20. Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

21. Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart,” all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart.”

22. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?

Got a favorite? Which one made you LOL?

I Dare You Not To LOL, part 1

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I got these funny observations about life (lifeservations?) from a friend. It’s one of those viral emails that makes its way around the world in about eight seconds. Even if you’ve seen it, though, it’s worth another giggle.

I wish I knew who writes these things — some of them are hilarious. Like this one. It was long, though, so you get one every day this week —Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday AND Friday. [I know you know the days of the week. That’s to remind me to link them all.]

You’re welcome!

1. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.

2. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

3. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

4. I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?

5. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

6. That’s enough, Nickelback.

7. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

8 .Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

9. Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.

10. There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

11. Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it.

Got a favorite?

BeckyLand Investigation

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Something funny went on in BeckyLand this week. I had a spike in my viewers one day, which always makes me curious. So I investigated.

Here are the search terms people used to find my blog that day ….

• linear wrinkles in one or both lobes    21

• funny books for kids            4

• earlobe linear crease  3

• linear wrinkles on earlobe            3

• earlobes with linear creases + photo            3

• funny boot camp t shirts            2

• how do you know you have a tapeworm            2

• linear wrinkles earlobes            2

• goofy irish song music video from the 80        2

• linear wrinkles earlobe 2

So you don’t have to do the math yourself, that’s 34 people who searched out information about earlobe wrinkles. (And apparently passed on the link to my blog.)

Earlobe. Wrinkles.

In the greater scheme of the world population, that’s not many people, I know. But in the lesser scheme of people doing cyber searches, it seems a bit extreme. Even for BeckyLand. [BTW, did you notice the people searching for tapeworm information? I get someone every day. Every Day. You didn't believe me, did you?]

And it happened again the next day to a lesser extent …

• funny books for kids            4

• trident seal pin            3

•  tapeworm            2

• linear wrinkles earlobes            2

• broken pinky toe       2

• black girls kiss white men            2

• linear wrinkles earlobe photo            2

• linear wrinkles in earlobes            2

• richest fictional characters            2

• man having baby    2

• navy seals iraq 2009    1

Here’s the actual post, Listen To Your Body Even When It Says Stupid Stuff, in case you missed it. Clearly, it’s cutting-edge info. You’re welcome.

Unfortunately, I’m sure I disappointed the curious folks searching for “man having baby” and the interracial smooching.

How ’bout you … would you rather read about “linear wrinkles on earlobe” or “man having baby”? But more importantly, go to the mirror and take a peek at your earlobes. See any wrinkles?

Amusing Similes and Metaphors

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Every year, English teachers from across the country submit their most amusing similes and metaphors gleaned from high school essays. I’m not sure if this is really true or simply an urban myth, but here are some of the “winners” from 2007. But even if some under-employed writer wearing only a tattered robe wrote them in an unheated basement, they’re still funny.

• He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

• She grew on him like she was a colony of E.Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

• She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

• Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

• John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

• Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

• The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

• It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

• He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

What’s your most amusing simile or metaphor? Or the one you’re desperate to find a place for in your writing? Or finish this sentence … “BeckyLand is like …”

Instant Spanish

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malt-o-meal1

I had a craving for chocolate Malt-O-Meal the other day. Hadn’t had it in awhile so I read the directions and started puttering around anticipating my culinary delight. After I gathered a bowl and a spoon and made a pot of coffee, I was ready. I went back to the box to put a serving together, but this time read the Spanish directions by mistake.

For a moment — but longer than you’d expect — I thought I had mysteriously learned Spanish in my sleep.

In my defense, it was early in the morning. Before I had my coffee.

It reminded me of a married friend who went home for lunch one day instead of eating at work. He ate his lunch, tidied up, then went back to work. Later that afternoon he got a frantic call from his wife who said, “Somebody broke into the house and cleaned the kitchen!”

To her, it was the only logical explanation as to why the kitchen she left messy was magically clean when she got home.

Have you ever had moments where you absolutely believed something completely illogical?

Punishments That Backfire

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• Taking the car keys away, forcing you to drive them everywhere.
• “One hour of violin practice every day, young lady!”
• “One hour of tuba practice every day, young man! And your brother too!”
• “You don’t like what I make for dinner?! Then YOU cook!”
• “That’s it. Time out.” [Allowing them to go to their room and read without you bothering them. The thing they crave the most.]
• “You are NOT too full to eat those lima beans. Make ‘em disappear, fella!” [Said lima beans to be found four days later dried and stuck in the pants pocket.]
• “No laughing at the dinner table!!” [Resulting in non-stop laughter from my sister and me at the dinner table. Sorry, Mom.]
• “If you don’t learn to take care of your own hair, we’ll have to get it cut.”

["How's this, Mommy? I did just like you said."]

Have you ever momentarily lost your mind with your kids thus spawning some lame punishment? Ever been on the receiving end of ridiculous punishment?